Insomniac
by pinkperson
Summary: Squall can't sleep because his mind won't let him. All he can think about is the one person who annoys him the most...Laguna.


Squall tossed and turned in his bed getting tangled in his bed sheets as he found it impossible to sleep. Rinoa was lying next to him, but she was a fairly deep sleeper so his movements didn't bother her. He had a lot on his mind and he wished he had someone to talk to, but he didn't want to disturb her sleep. Anxiety and irritation tormented him making him unable to relax enough to let go and fall asleep. There was so much going on in the back of his mind that there was no way for him to suppress the thoughts.

He kept thinking back to his last meeting with Laguna, when he'd delivered paperwork from Cid. Laguna always seemed to be trying way too hard to impress him or something. And he had a talent for making even the most mundane tasks as torturous as possible for everyone involved.

And thinking about this led to all types of Laguna-related memories popping up in Squall's mind unbidden.

Squall kept trying not to think back to the time when he'd been surrounded by moombas, all of them hopping up and down and chanting "Laguna! Laguna!" Then there was that statue in the Shumi Village with Laguna posing like he was some kind of war hero. A statue celebrating a moron who got by on dumb luck, it seemed.

Squall found that he was clenching his teeth tightly as though he could physically keep himself from going further down this road. No, he knew that the destination was something he just did not need to reach...something he did not _want_ to reach.

But his mind persisted in attacking him anyway.

He thought of Laguna's green eyes and how they always seemed to soften as they looked at him. Almost in some sort of nostalgic way. Which was impossible because he and Laguna didn't exactly go way back. Squall knew that he probably wasn't supposed to notice this because every time this happened Laguna would quickly avert his eyes before looking back at him again, acting as though nothing odd had happened. It was one of many things about the man that Squall found infuriating. If there was one thing he hated it was being looked at meaningfully while the meaning behind it was not divulged.

He was reminded of something else that made him frown deeply as he rolled onto his back staring at the ceiling. There was something Kiros said on the ragnarok...something that had completely caught him by surprise. He still wasn't sure that he'd heard the man correctly, but he could have sworn that Kiros had told him that he has his "mother's eyes". But that didn't make any sense, Squall thought as he shook his head in disbelief. How did Kiros know his mother? Why exactly was he telling him this? Who was his mother, then?

Squall thought back to the gift that Laguna had handed him at Balamb Garden after Ultimecia's defeat. Laguna had visited Balamb Garden for a party and Squall had tried his best to dodge his advances, but Laguna managed to corner him like that damn mechancial spider from Dollet. He'd grinned at Squall, unable to contain his excitement at the moment, as he'd placed the plush cactuar into Squall's outstretched hands. Squall had been wary of the gift, fully aware that it was childish and far too cutesy to fit his personality. But seeing the eager look on Laguna's face made him feel sympathy for the man and he'd reluctantly accepted it. He'd noticed that he was the only one who'd been given a gift by Laguna, which didn't sit too well with him. Anyway, he'd thrown the cactuar into the deep recesses of his closet because he found that looking at it annoyed him.

There were also other things about Laguna that rubbed him the wrong way. Sometimes, when he was forced to interact with the man and it was just the two of them talking, things would get awkward. And not just awkward, but almost creepy. For example, Squall would pretend to care about how Laguna's life was going and there would be pauses in their conversation. Laguna would rub his chin thoughtfully, while Squall would cross his arms and lower his head as he was lost in thought himself. This had happened once in Cid's office with Quistis present. Quistis, having caught this, teased Squall, saying that it was cute how the two of them would zone out right next to each other. Of course, Squall had been embarrassed to be compared in any way to Laguna and he was quick to deny that he'd "zoned out". Quistis had chuckled at this while Laguna had looked a bit bashful himself.

Squall sat up and turned to let his legs dangle over the edge of the bed. He gripped the bed cushion tightly as he kept thinking back to those moombas. Those damn moombas that seemed to worship Laguna...Squall couldn't help but chuckle. How could anyone worship someone as awkward as Laguna? But it seemed that they truly did love the guy. Squall knew how other people and even animals felt about Laguna. Squall's friends seemed to like him a lot. They found him kindhearted and dependable. Instead of seeing him as dorky, they seemed to think he was funny and cool.

He seemed so different from that Raine woman. In the dream in which Squall had seen her, she looked stern and reproachful. The way that she looked at Laguna at times made Squall smirk. She looked at him as though _he_ were the child and not Ellone.

 _"...Your mother's eyes..."_

Kiros's voice echoed in Squall's mind out of nowhere, catching him off guard.

Squall frowned deeply then as he recognized that his mind was trying to tell him something. _My mother's eyes...Kiros..._

Laguna's somber face seemed to taunt him as it emerged in his mind. His normally bright green eyes were downcast and lacking vitality as he said " _You remind me of her...You remind me of Raine."_

Squall's eyes widened as a breath hitched in his throat. He suddenly felt his heart rate quicken as he shook his head in disbelief, eyes wide and unseeing. _No..._

Squall stood up quickly, hands covering his mouth as he began pacing the room. Rinoa continued to snore softly completely unaware of what was going on in her presence. Squall stopped pacing for a second as he bit his lip hard, so hard he tasted blood. The pain felt comforting in a way. Somehow it was less painful than what was going through his head at that moment.

 _No, no, no...this_ _can't_ _be happening._..

Again those damn moombas entered his mind. They circled him giddily and bounced up and down, chanting with adoration, "Laguna! Laguna!"

Squall suddenly felt an urge to knock something unconscious and then continue to beat the shit out of it. He felt anger rise in him quickly, could almost feel his blood boiling, and he knew that he was _this_ close to waking up Rinoa just so he could rant to her about how much he absolutely loathed Laguna Loire down to the core of his being.

Instead, the anger seemed to disperse just as quickly as it had arisen and Squall, feeling weak, fell to his knees in the dark room, bending over to place his hands on the floor. His vision blurred as hot tears began to fall and hit the ground below. He continued shaking his head as he wished his denial of the truth would make it a lie. But now he knew there was no way that it couldn't be true. Ever since he had those stupid dreams, he knew. There was some sort of connection between him and Laguna that extended further than just him being a witness to his past. There was something about Laguna that made him seem special in some way. _Meaningful_. Even that Raine woman had given Squall a vibe of familiarity.

Raine...Squall leaned back to a sitting position as he once again thought back to the woman from the dream world. He had only caught brief glimpses of her and her life, but he felt like she reminded him of someone when she'd seen her. Her tough no-nonsense attitude reminded him of...well, _him_.

Squall's eyes darkened then as he began unveiling more information about his past. So Laguna had abandoned Raine much like he'd abandoned Squall. He had wanted to be a writer and clearly that hadn't turned out well. Squall's mother had died giving birth to him and Laguna wasn't even there to support her. What if she might have survived if Laguna had been there? Then wouldn't that mean that it was Laguna's fault that Squall had to grow up feeling rejected and alone?

Squall felt his lower lip wobble with emotion as the tears continued to fall. He tried rubbing the tears away, but they just wouldn't stop pouring down his face. He had no idea how to feel right now, now that he knew the truth. He wanted so badly to hate Laguna. There was just something about him from the moment that he first saw him that made him instantly dislike the man. And now that he knew the details of his past he felt like he would sooner die rather than even look at the man again.

Then he began to wonder if Laguna ever planned on telling him about their relationship. He did vaguely remember Laguna mentioning having a "little talk" after Ultimecia's defeat. The way he'd said it sounded so casual, though, as though he was wanting to ask him to hang out with him and watch a movie or something. Not tell him that he's his long-lost father.

"God...this really sucks," Squall moaned.

He had been alone for so long that he'd eventually decided that he actually liked it this way. He liked not having parents who doted on him and nagged at him. He liked being a lone wolf who was in control of his life and future. He liked being independent. Not only did he like it, but he was also used to it and frankly, he didn't like change. And he definitely did not want to feel like he owed Laguna something. It was very clear that the man wanted to build some kind of relationship with him. But Squall wasn't quite sure he wanted that at all.

Especially with Laguna of all people.

Suddenly there was some movement from the bed and Squall froze as he heard Rinoa shift under the covers and then sit up, yawning. "Squall? What are you doing down there? Everything okay?"

Squall turned his face away as he wiped the streaks of tears on his cheeks before turning back around. He cleared his throat as he looked at her, mustering a weak smile. "Yeah, everything's okay Rinoa. Sorry, I was just...just thinking about something. It's not important."

Rinoa looked at him for a few seconds contemplating this before she nodded and then laid back down in the bed. It didn't take long before she fell fast asleep.

Squall stood up on quaking legs as he made his way back to the bed and returned to his place beneath the covers. He rolled onto his side facing Rinoa and wrapped an arm around her, hugging her close. She felt so soft and warm against him and he couldn't help but feel at least some of his stress ebb away. Now he just wished that he didn't just create more things to be anxious about. Why did he have to be so smart and figure things out on his own? Why did the universe have to leave all of these clues all over the place so that he'd figure it out anyway? Why did he have to have a father now when it was the last thing he wanted, much less needed?

Eventually, Squall was able to relax as he distracted himself with thoughts about the following day and his duties that had been assigned to him by Cid. Being close to Rinoa also made things a little less stressful. It took him a while to fall asleep, but when he did his dreams were plagued by memories of the dream world, with Laguna and Ellone playing together while Raine watched over and scolded them.


End file.
